The Pride and Pains of Breastfeeding

Jennifer Johnson

Posted By: Jennifer Johnson

I didn't grow up around breastfeeding moms. In fact, I grew up making formula bottles for my little sisters.

I love breastfeeding. I really do. But I can't help but sometimes feel like it's a blessing and a curse at the same time.

I love looking at my daughter, her big plump cheeks, her thunder thighs, and her multiple rolls and smile -- knowing I did all of that. But at the same time every day I have a huge weight on my shoulders, feeling like her livelihood is dependent on my diligence.

Of course part of this is very true. I am her mother, I provide and care for her, I feed her and I'm raising her along with my husband. I am responsible for her. But the pressure when I'm away from her at work, dealing with other duties, but still setting aside time to pump for her is getting overwhelming.

Before I leave for work I make sure my husband knows where our daughter's milk is for the day. Four out of five days of the week I have fresh milk for her, pumped from the day before (the other day I rotate frozen milk). There have been occasions where I haven't pumped enough the day before -- either I didn't have time at work to get in an extra session, or I just didn't pump enough. Then he pulls from our freezer stash, per my instruction, using the oldest first.

This hasn't had to happen on a regular basis but it has happened from time to time. And on each occurrence, it's caused me to have a slight breakdown.

In order to have enough milk for the following day I have to pump twice. At best it takes me 20 minutes from set up to take down with double pumping at work, and I feel like a slacker for being couped up in the makeup room twice a day, plus still taking my lunch break to go home and nurse her.

One day I wasn't able to make it home to feed her and found she ate the same amount I had stored in the fridge anyway. It may have been a fluke but I wonder if I take my lunch break to pump if it might be more efficient.

Right now I pump once at work then once before I go home, after my shift, or if Little J is already asleep, once when I get home from work.

After a day of hardly being able to pump my supply took a hit and it took some extra pumping to get it back up but I worry about having to do that often. I don't think I have the patience or the time. I feel like my worth is tied to how much milk I'm expressing and it's really getting to me.

I don't want to have to turn to supplements, or extra pumping sessions in the middle of the night. I've loved our breastfeeding relationship, and I don't want to lose that to the stress of playing keep up.

Now I am getting a little ahead of myself. Right now I'm doing great. My goal was to breastfeed through maternity leave. Once I started trying and saw how well that was working I made it my goal to exclusively breastfeed for three months. Now that I've achieved that goal I'm hoping to exclusively breastfeed until Little J starts solids.

Then, I picture myself able to give a huge sigh of relief. I sustained my baby on my own, and I can relax a bit more knowing she'll be getting a little something from her fruits and veggies too.

It's not easy being a mom, exclusively breastfeeding, and it can get even more difficult when you add pumping and working full time into the mix. But I know it's worth it for my daughter, and the responsibility I feel has gotta be a good thing, because it's gotten us this far, and it's gotten her this many rolls to show for it.

3:34pm on Tuesday November 16
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5 comments

Comments



Jennifer
10:39pm on Friday November 19

Thanks for your comments! It's so nice knowing people have been where I am now! Things are getting better but sometimes I still have *those days* you know?

Christina Stainbrook
3:31pm on Wednesday November 17

You took the words right out of my mouth! I'm struggling too.. I have a love-hate relationship with my pump. It allows me to keep nursing, but stresses me out to no end. I am always freaking out about having enough milk expressed for him, and he eats a LOT. Anytime I come home and realize they had to take from our freezer stash for the day, I have a breakdown as well.. It's so crazy how much emotional strain it places on you!

If you find awesome ways to cope, let us know! lol

jasmine
8:15pm on Tuesday November 16

I Sooo know the feelings that you described...on occasion I had to supplement with formula cuz I couldn't keep up but Ava will NOT take it..sigh.so pumping it is..so far we've made it to 6 mos bfing

Ro @ http://randomroro.blogpsot.com
5:08pm on Tuesday November 16

I am so proud of you for keeping it up. (and jealous) Baby E was having no part of breastfeeding and I pumped until I could pump no more. Your doing her a tremendous good! I love her rolls! so cute!
xoxo

Ro

Telika Howard
4:31pm on Tuesday November 16

i was the same way i never saw anyone nurse i was 19 and my mother and others were encouraging me not to breastfeed, so that only fueled my determination, its so hard i was going to college and work and nusing then when my son was 30 mos i had another one still pushing forward with nursing, school and working it really is a badge of honor bcuz some formula is not going to kill them now im holding my sweet 2 mos old 5th child nusing and giving formula bcuz i lost milk supply while he was hospitalized and i realize that as long as he's loved that's all that matters

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